Identity change

Changing your identity? It sometimes happens overnight.

For example:

• One day you're pregnant, the next day you're a mom or a dad.
• One day you're a worker bee, and the next day promoted to supervisor.
• One day you're single, the next day you're married (or vice versa).
• One day you have a parent, and then they're gone and you're an orphan.
• One day you're working and then the next day, retired.

These changes in identity can happen overnight, in the blink of an eye.

But we know in reality there is a long "process" we go through before we really own that new label or identity, right?

No one comfortably steps into parenthood, leadership, marriage/divorce, or even retirement. These are major life events that sometimes take years to get comfortable with.

I was reading an article recently about how women seem to get comfortable with the aging process easier and quicker than men.

One reason is that women go through menopause and changes occur in our bodies that are quite apparent.

Men, on the other hand, could be well into their 60s and still feeling like they are in their 30s or 40s. However, they may have more fractures because they are still acting like their younger selves.

Of course, these are just generalizations and may not be true for you.

Another thing I've noticed is that when we're younger, the identities are easier to assimilate into and as we age, it seems harder to let go of the things we leave behind.

When a "label" or identity changes overnight, there is a process we all need to go through to step into feeling that new label.

Part of the process is saying goodbye to the old self-identity and grieve or let go of it, before we can embrace and take on the next new role.

And sometimes we are at that in-between stage called "liminal" space.

Liminal space refers to a transitional state that can be characterized by feelings of ambiguity, uncertainty, and the potential for transformation. In some moments of liminal space we can experience a sense of disorientation, but also feel an opportunity for growth or change.

Embracing our humanity during these times, helps us to have self-compassion so we can give ourselves permission to grieve and just sit with the ambiguity or feelings of being lost. This is not easy.

Retirement or aging out of the workforce and trying to figure out what is next can be a difficult transition.

Having an empty nest is another time of transition when we realize we no longer have to deal with kids in the household. For some, this is a delightful blessing and yet for others, it can be a time of intense grief and loss.

Who we are and what identity we cling to can become an anchor around our neck if suddenly it is taken away.

It may happen overnight without warning, yet sometimes it's been on the horizon coming closer and closer and we've chosen to ignore it, stay in denial, and not deal with the change until it is upon us.

I've seen this happen to people in my life. I thought, but they knew their kid was going to get married and move away, why is this so hard?

So ask yourself, what are you pretending not to see?

I'm one of those people who sees the distance transition coming and I prepare myself. I think about it and feel the moments of grief many times before I get to that fateful day when everything changes.

This works for me because it allows me to intensely enjoy the present moment and yet grieve during certain moments too.

So when we finally get to that transition day, it feels much easier for me to quickly move on. I don't experience as much grief.

It seems to me, that people who refuse to think about the inevitable transition (denial) until the event, have a much harder and longer period of grief afterward before they can get on with their life.

Here's some food for thought this week: Which type are you?

A. Honoring small deaths along the way in Life, feeling highs and lows on the daily while planning your changes in identity?

B. Living each day as it comes and only dealing with pain and grief when Life demands it or your heart can't deny it anymore?

C. Somewhere in between A and B?

Feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think and how you process the small deaths and the big identity changes in your life.

All my best to you for a smashingly good week,

Maureen

Check out our Programs