Pattern vs Identity - What shifts first?

High school to college

When I graduated from High School the last thing I wanted to do was go to college! I know that is not the case with many students but that was true for me.

It's because all I wanted to do was party. Party was a verb for me. I figured there was time later to go to school. If I lived that long.

Eventually, when I matured a bit, I began to see the patterns that weren't working for me and reached out for help. After I got clean and sober at 24, I created much better habits as a person in recovery. This was a huge identity shift for me.

Personal growth

Once I was on this path of personal growth, I began to want to change my negative patterns and bad habits. I started to dream about who I wanted to be.

The identity I had as a teenager-gone-rogue, turned into a responsible adult.

Then I became a wife.

Being in a loving relationship was a totally new identity that created new patterns and habits.

Some identities change overnight. Like when I became a mother.

Even though you have 9 months to prepare, it turns out to be a complete shock to your body, psyche, relationship, environment, etc. Having a child definitely changes you, right?

Other changes are much more subtle. Like when you get a new job and get a new title or a degree in something that labels you as an expert, it takes time to really own that label.

I've seen many professionals in my training classes who had recently stepped into a supervisor or leadership role and it doesn't make them a leader. In fact, they need to develop a whole new set of skills and it's a different kind of relationship with team members who report to them. And if you were on the team and got promoted, that is a difficult process sometimes.

New Identity

Whatever new identity we step into, we may have insecurities and an inner critic that tells us we are an imposter.

But we fake it until we make it real for us. And sometimes we fail along the way.

Transformation is a process of changing behavioral patterns as well as thinking patterns and eventually owning your new identity.

The new identity or role helps us to change our patterns and changing our patterns of behavior helps us to own the new identity.

So what comes first? I don't really know and I'm not sure it matters but know that they go hand in hand.

Later Stages in Life

When it comes to later stages of life, new roles and identities sort of creep up on you and you can't navigate life in the same way as in your younger years.

Many external factors can shift our identity for us without our consent. You may become a grandparent. Or you may find your career is changing or ending.

I've known many people who lose their jobs in their 50s or 60s and it's clear they have so much to offer but find it harder to land a job than it did in their 40s.

You may become a widow, a caregiver of an elder, or find yourself dealing with a medical issue.

The point is our habits and priorities will change after mid-life.

I think the difference for me is that for many years (before 50) I felt like I was creating, moving and consciously changing my life. I felt like I was somewhat in control of my destiny.

Out of my control

But once I passed mid-life (55ish), things began to change outside of my control that I had to deal with.

I can create stories in my head about why that is and I'm sure you have your excuses too, but the point is, life is not how it used to be. In some ways, it's much easier and in other ways it can be harder.

Either way, it is different. Part of it is that I found myself resisting aging. Until I did my life review.

When I don't resist life, it's a breeze. When I accept what is happening, my attitude is one of gratitude and openness.

I created A Life Review Journey to help people with these patterns and identity changes. 

Take the quiz

Take the quiz to find out if you might be ready for a life review. What are you grappling with?

You can break down some of the resistance you may have with aging, let go of past resentments and regrets, give yourself time to dream of what you'd still like to do with your precious life while adding a valuable contribution as you move forward.